I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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