I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
