i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
