I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
