maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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