the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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