Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
