I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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