My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
