im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
