he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
