Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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