i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she looked like the before picture.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
