Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Girls should come with a carfax report
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come share oat with me in your robe
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
