If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
