just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I believe in your delicious
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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