a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
