I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
