i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
