I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
