Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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