Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
