her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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