my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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