you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
