you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
