she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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