i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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