I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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