someone threw a dead crab at me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
