so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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