I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
