So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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