Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
