Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
