Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
