OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
