Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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