I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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