Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
