God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
