just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
