Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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