youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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