sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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