even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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