my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
