you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Boobs speak an international language.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm too high and old for this...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
