maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
