we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
