Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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